Satire: Some Quips on Unsolicited Dick Pics

Apr 5, 2016 | Love and Dating

Published: The Good Men Project (April 5, 2016)

Every so often a deadline looms and I need a good peg for a story. Since I’m pretty spent with droning endlessly on about super-serious subjects, I figured I should address a somewhat more frivolous – albeit still disturbing – topic.

So let’s talk about the creeps who send unsolicited dick pics.

Personally I never thought I would write that sentence, but over the past few months I keep hearing about men who send these photographs to unsuspecting women on dating websites. These women include my friends and various exes, as well as countless individuals who complain about this online. Hell, I even know a couple of dudes who have been on the receiving end of unsolicited dick pics… and as someone who participated in online dating myself, I am mystified by the practice.

For one thing, I can’t imagine any scenario in which this tactic would work. Sure, if you’re already dating someone or have found a profile by someone who has expressed an interest in that sort of thing, take your snapshots and have fun with it. That said, I doubt there has ever been a woman or gay man who wasn’t interested in someone but – upon seeing a few pixels representing their junk – suddenly proclaimed, “Wow! I can’t believe what I’ve been missing!” Similarly, it baffles me that any man would want to put himself in this position with a complete stranger. I’m not a particularly paranoid type, but it doesn’t take too much creativity to envision how this kind of behavior can backfire on the practitioner.

Having gotten this out of the way, I’d like to offer five quick comebacks for anyone who finds themselves in the unfortunate position of receiving an unsolicited dick pic. Why? Because if you’re going to expose yourself like that (pun intended), then you deserve a few good put-downs!

5. What species of mushroom is that?

A particularly unappealing one, to be sure.

4. Isn’t that cute? An extra belly button!

Courtesy of an old Salt N Pepa song.

3. Why did you send me a picture of your pinky toe?

Because this one is too obvious to pass up.

2. Awwww…. He’s adorable!

The kind of positive reinforcement no man wants.

1. Did Mario already stomp on that goomba?

Because every millennial will get this reference.

That’s really all I have to say on this subject. It may not warrant a particularly long editorial, but this baffling aspect of the human psyche has nagged at me long enough that I needed to get in a few words. Hopefully, if you are one of the men who tends to do this and are reading my article now, I have persuaded you to reconsider the error of your ways. And if you’re a woman who has received an unsolicited dick pic, feel free to use any of my proposed comebacks. The creep harassing you definitely deserves it.